Its simple. We are a blended family. We love each other. Our toddler is a non verbal autistic. THE END.
Our son Jax was diagnosed with Autism on May 18, 2015. It was a hidden blow to the gut. We both knew, but here was this psychiatrist in San Jose telling us that he undoubtedly was and we both just cried. I rocked our newly born son in my arms while my husband tried to wipe away the tears before they could completely fall. It's not terminal. Jax is still two so there is extensive early intervention. We should be proud that we advocating for him so aggressively. Yes.... I hear you Mr.Psychiatrist and for that moment I did not care. Our perfectly beautiful son had a "disorder" that would forever alter his life, moderately to severely even, and for just that moment my husband and I allowed ourselves to be sad.
Some days I feel like I am kicking autism's ass. My son "attends" and "transitions" without "protesting" and we get lots of eye contact and cuddles. Other days, like today... I realize that I am drowning in autism. Finally, I decided to blog. I need an outlet. I could journal, but I am terrible at being consistent. I could keep this blog private, but a new parent somewhere might need to hear my struggles and not feel alone. I just want to be able to say without judgment that sometimes... I am afraid to death of what the future holds.
Will our son talk? No one knows and they will never know or be able to answer that question. Only God knows. I pray for words everyday, literally beg God to release my sons tongue.... TALK TO ME PLEASE SON!!! When he hurts himself, we don't know right away what it is wrong. When he's scared, he cannot tell me. When he wants to know why something is, he cannot ask.
Will our son's behavior improve? Well, luckily and Glory to God, our son is "neurologically happy." That being said... he is still autistic. He still does things on his terms or protests. He is still particular. He does not like things where they don't belong, he likes to climb furniture, he enjoys rocking in his chair watching movies, he only drinks/eats what he wants. Will he ever enjoy a salad? I don't know. Will he ever play a sport? Who knows. Will he be in mainstream education? Time will tell. For now, we are in early intervention special education and hoping for progress.
Will our son fall in love? Go to college? Have a best friend? Enjoy the sunlight? Eat a vegetable? I DO NOT KNOW and it breaks my soul.
"Give it to God" people say. "You're such great parents" they tell us. "He's so happy because he's loved" said Mr.Psychiatrist. Thank you... thank you for trying to help me stay grounded. I appreciate it, really I do. My mom helps out as much as she can, but you're talking to a family with four kids, two jobs, three dogs, and a special needs schedule that requires mountain moving faith. Some days I have it, some days I don't. I am learning to be ok with both.
Autism does not define my family, but its running the show. Our goal of course is for our sweet son to get better, to improve, to talk, to be high functioning and test out of services. We are not there yet and prayers/support are welcome.
I am going to post our updates, our struggles, our successes and any useful information I have on the topic and services available in my local area. Thank you for reading. God Bless.
